I put myself into a situation this weekend where I would not be allowed to purge. Instead of following my rules and staying under 1,000 calories a day I just ate whatever I wanted. All I wanted was ice cream or chocolate. The more fattening and grosser the better because I knew I'd be around too many people to get the chance to sneak away.
I consumed the following foods that only fat fucking idiots put into their disgusting mouths:
TWO packages of Hostess Sno Balls
A Beer
Burger King MEDIUM Chocolate Shake
Burger King Value-sized FRENCH FRIES
Cheese
TWO pieces of TOAST with BUTTER and jam
Pita BREAD with hummus and FETA CHEESE
Sonic LARGE Tater Tots
Sonic REGULAR Orange Cream Slush
Package of 3 Hostess Ho-Hos
Small Hot Chocolate
Hazelnut steamer with, most likely, WHOLE MILK
That must be AT LEAST 3,000 calories of nothing but shit and fat. You were not going to do this in March, remember? You were going to stick to the plan and not eat and if you ate ANYTHING over 1,000 you swore you'd throw it up. But you didn't because you are a fat piece of shit that can't keep control over anything.
I guess I'd better get used to being alone and unloved for the rest of my life because I'm too stupid and fucked up to ever have a boyfriend or a husband or kids or a family of my own. I might as well just deal with that now. I'm feeling so atheistic right now. Like I just want to abuse my body. Use it up, destroy it, use it carelessly, let other people use it carelessly, it is nothing but a shell. A big bag of blood and fat and bone and nothing else. I bet after I die nothing will happen. This is it. One life, one shot and mine is fucked beyond belief. I am nothing like I thought I should be.
I want to start over. I wasted so much of my life being scared of life. I always thought I'd get kidnapped and killed as a child. I am terrified to fly. I do not have boyfriends. I don't have any friends. I am still a virgin, how pathetic is that? I mean, really? 29 year old virgin. No wonder I'm so fucked up. I was so scared of my body for so long I never let anyone touch it. And now I'm almost thirty and no one wants to sleep with a fat fucking idiot virgin.
I'm totally disgusted by myself. I'm even madder because I was really really depressed and told my psychiatrist that I think I have a problem with food. Seriously? I'm already wimping out? I'm not even sick. I'm just a depressed baby that wants attention. "Oh feel bad for me, I can't eat, cry over me, give me attention, tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm thin, tell me you love me, be concerned about me, worry about me."
WORTHLESS!
How can you even think you have the right to think you are anorexic? You are only a wanna-be baby that is totally full of shit. If I were one of you I'd think that I was just another stupid girl trying to get attention. The little girl that cried, "anorexia!"
I'm not sick, I'm just stupid.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
AGAIN
It is March. Monday. The first. New beginnings and plans. Another start to try not to fuck it up.
I weighed myself this morning and it is not good. I can't even type it, its so gross. I am fat and stupid and can't hack it.
Started purging as a last resort. 3 times last week. Purging scares me. Potassium, electrolytes... whatever. If I'm not 120lbs by April I will do something insane. I don't know.
Whatever! I hate this! I'm going to be 110 by May.
That's that. No discussion. Period.
I weighed myself this morning and it is not good. I can't even type it, its so gross. I am fat and stupid and can't hack it.
Started purging as a last resort. 3 times last week. Purging scares me. Potassium, electrolytes... whatever. If I'm not 120lbs by April I will do something insane. I don't know.
Whatever! I hate this! I'm going to be 110 by May.
That's that. No discussion. Period.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Chew and Spit
I don't have my food diary. I forgot it. When I was walking to the bus I knew I forgot it but I was late and high and thought it would be alright if I left it and waiting to fill it out until I got home later. Not the case. I want it now. I want to know EXACTLY how I've been doing this week.
I've been chewing and spitting. Only bread. I love love love the taste and to chew on crusty bread. But its so full of calories! So I'll chew it and spit it out.
I had another date with P___ last night. He cooked me dinner. I hid it in my napkin. I mushed up all the food and spread it around the plate. I drank an entire bottle of wine. But I ate some. I think no more than 500 calories. But then the wine and the coffee that morning.
Just a bit over 1,000 calories for yesterday but I also did not exercise at all. Fuck! Plus a spoon of ice cream... 100 calories? 60? I swear, everyone in the world wants to feed me shit. My roommate has some sort of crazy peanut butter rice krispy treat things that she keeps pushing on me. Last night P___ got out ice cream for dessert. Today there are cupcakes and brownies at work. When I got my coffee this morning the clerk asked me, "Do you want anything to eat?"
No.
Nothing. Ever.
I like that I feel I can control men with my body. Now that I've lost weight I can tell how much they treat me differently. They only ever want one thing anyway.
I've been chewing and spitting. Only bread. I love love love the taste and to chew on crusty bread. But its so full of calories! So I'll chew it and spit it out.
I had another date with P___ last night. He cooked me dinner. I hid it in my napkin. I mushed up all the food and spread it around the plate. I drank an entire bottle of wine. But I ate some. I think no more than 500 calories. But then the wine and the coffee that morning.
Just a bit over 1,000 calories for yesterday but I also did not exercise at all. Fuck! Plus a spoon of ice cream... 100 calories? 60? I swear, everyone in the world wants to feed me shit. My roommate has some sort of crazy peanut butter rice krispy treat things that she keeps pushing on me. Last night P___ got out ice cream for dessert. Today there are cupcakes and brownies at work. When I got my coffee this morning the clerk asked me, "Do you want anything to eat?"
No.
Nothing. Ever.
I like that I feel I can control men with my body. Now that I've lost weight I can tell how much they treat me differently. They only ever want one thing anyway.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Dog in Monopoly
Today is slow. All this snow has sapped me of my already non-existant energy. My bike is immobile at the moment. I'm tired and I feel a sick day coming on. I can only keep up so much at work before I need to take a break and hide from the world. My body is so sore from scrimmage practice. I want to take a nap. Just leave and go home to bed. I might go out to exercise tonight, I might not. The roads are slippery with this idiot snow and an evening in seems very appealing.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Unraveling
ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FUCKING POUNDS!
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
SweetTart
Today I woke up and felt great! Although I've had some slippage in my 1,000 claorie a day limit, it hasn't been by too much and I've come nowhere near 2,000! So, I'll just accept that little victory and learn from my mistakes. I've only had one time when I totally lost it and that was last night. My roommate is dating a guy who works at a VEGAN ICE CREAM PLANT. He makes vegan ice cream. He brings my roommate gallons. So, I already have a problem with bad food being in my apartment. I get this crazy idea that if I eat the bad food in my apartment and get it over with, it won't be there to annoy me and make things harder daily. Any ideas on how to not eat the bad food that my roommate buys? I resist most things. Like if she only had a pint of ice cream, it wouldn't bother me. But this is a plastic gallon tub. I don't eat her cereals. Sometimes I slip and have one of her pops. She doesn't drink diet. It's 50/50 sometimes with dealing with the presence of bad foods. I don't buy them, an easy fix so I won't be tempted. But when that's out of my control, as I share a fridge with someone else, I can't control everything that goes in there.
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
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