I don't have my food diary. I forgot it. When I was walking to the bus I knew I forgot it but I was late and high and thought it would be alright if I left it and waiting to fill it out until I got home later. Not the case. I want it now. I want to know EXACTLY how I've been doing this week.
I've been chewing and spitting. Only bread. I love love love the taste and to chew on crusty bread. But its so full of calories! So I'll chew it and spit it out.
I had another date with P___ last night. He cooked me dinner. I hid it in my napkin. I mushed up all the food and spread it around the plate. I drank an entire bottle of wine. But I ate some. I think no more than 500 calories. But then the wine and the coffee that morning.
Just a bit over 1,000 calories for yesterday but I also did not exercise at all. Fuck! Plus a spoon of ice cream... 100 calories? 60? I swear, everyone in the world wants to feed me shit. My roommate has some sort of crazy peanut butter rice krispy treat things that she keeps pushing on me. Last night P___ got out ice cream for dessert. Today there are cupcakes and brownies at work. When I got my coffee this morning the clerk asked me, "Do you want anything to eat?"
No.
Nothing. Ever.
I like that I feel I can control men with my body. Now that I've lost weight I can tell how much they treat me differently. They only ever want one thing anyway.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Dog in Monopoly
Today is slow. All this snow has sapped me of my already non-existant energy. My bike is immobile at the moment. I'm tired and I feel a sick day coming on. I can only keep up so much at work before I need to take a break and hide from the world. My body is so sore from scrimmage practice. I want to take a nap. Just leave and go home to bed. I might go out to exercise tonight, I might not. The roads are slippery with this idiot snow and an evening in seems very appealing.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Unraveling
ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FUCKING POUNDS!
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
SweetTart
Today I woke up and felt great! Although I've had some slippage in my 1,000 claorie a day limit, it hasn't been by too much and I've come nowhere near 2,000! So, I'll just accept that little victory and learn from my mistakes. I've only had one time when I totally lost it and that was last night. My roommate is dating a guy who works at a VEGAN ICE CREAM PLANT. He makes vegan ice cream. He brings my roommate gallons. So, I already have a problem with bad food being in my apartment. I get this crazy idea that if I eat the bad food in my apartment and get it over with, it won't be there to annoy me and make things harder daily. Any ideas on how to not eat the bad food that my roommate buys? I resist most things. Like if she only had a pint of ice cream, it wouldn't bother me. But this is a plastic gallon tub. I don't eat her cereals. Sometimes I slip and have one of her pops. She doesn't drink diet. It's 50/50 sometimes with dealing with the presence of bad foods. I don't buy them, an easy fix so I won't be tempted. But when that's out of my control, as I share a fridge with someone else, I can't control everything that goes in there.
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
Monday, February 1, 2010
RABBIT! RABBIT!
I just love new beginnings. Today is a great day for a fresh start. Not only is it Monday, my usual day of "fresh starts" but its also the first day of a whole new month. And this month is going to be MY MONTH!
Even though today started out not so good. This morning I woke up to stomach cramps and the need to run to the bathroom! I think that is the most uncomfortable part of this disorder... all the digestive problems. I can deal with being hungry and fatigued and even being tired but once I get digestive pains... *shudder* they are just so hurty and awful! Plus all the time spent in the bathroom could have been used to make me look better this AM.
My new beginning has gotten off to a rough start. So when I was getting ready this morning I decided to put my hair up as I didn't shower that morning or the day before- I really didn't need to; I spent all day in bed and didn't even change out of my PJs. So my hair did not cooperate with me today and I can see roots starting to show. To go with my bad hair day I also am having a bad outfit day. I'm very unsatisfied by how I look right now. Brown dress pants, brown collared shirt with snap buttons and thin, white horizontal stripes, light brown wool zip-up cardigan, brown leather dress shoes with no heel. I feel like its too casual and paired with my bad hair- I look like a huge slob today. And I put on make up but I think I did a half-ass job as I woke up later than I wanted. Plus, my horrible hair made me feel like I was going to look ugly today no matter what so I didn't really do a good job. I didn't even weigh myself because I was afraid of what it would say.
But its going to be okay. Because today is the first and its Monday! So this month will end at 125.
FEBRUARY GOALS
1. No more than 1,000 cals a day.
I have learned that I should start with attainable goals. If I set goals that are unrealistic, like last week when I tried to not go over 700 cals a day, I can't make it and I get upset and I give up and eat. So, a more attainable goal for this month is no more than 1,000 calories a day. I PROMISE!
2. If I mess up and have more than 1,000 cals a day I will not give up on my plan.
I will start over the next morning with a better attitude and more self-control! Although I will do my absolute very very best to not go over 1,000 calories a day.
3. I will make more of an effort to always be beautiful
Whether I go out that day or not, I will shower every day and do my make up and hair every day. I will pick outfits the night before so I always look nice. I saw two girls on the ride to work this morning who were so stunning. They both had spent time on themselves that morning. More than the half hour I spent on myself this morning and I thought, "Those girls really care about themselves. They look like they spent time getting ready today. They must have their shit together." And although I know I'm a wreck, if I make the effort to be beautiful then people will think the same thoughts about me.
4. On days that I do not have practice I must ride my bike to work
In order to keep burning calories and keep my metabolism working there will not be a day I do not exercise. I have been more than lazy in January and I will fix this in February! If I stay active I generally feel better about myself than if I don't do any exercise on a particular day. If practice is cancelled or I'll be late or something! I must jog around the block. And its stupid cold and I hate to run so hopefully this will be a big motivation.
5. I will be more clean
I clean and organized life does not have room for sloppy food messes. If my apartment is clean I will be less likely to want to make food and create a mess. If my room is clean I will be lesss likely to want to eat anything because I will want to be as clean on the inside as I am on the outside. Plus I can always clean instead of eat!
6. I will continue to date P___
Even though I like being alone. I don't feel compelled to be in a relationship. I don't care if people love me or whatever... But I feel less like wanting to deal with explaining that I have no emotions and am uncapable of love and breaking up than just going with the flow. My last date with P___ was not as thrilling as the first. He had a sore on his eye that he was really embarrassed about and I found myself being really shallow about his appearance. And I think he's cute. I just am looking for excuses. If he thinks I'm smart and pretty and wants to kiss me or whatever then that's fine. Maybe I'll come around eventually but for the time being, I am incapable of loving anyone. I don't care if we go out to another restaurant. I just won't eat and I'll make an excuse. But I won't ditch practice for dates anymore.
I'm sure I'll add to the list but that's a good start for now.
Even though today started out not so good. This morning I woke up to stomach cramps and the need to run to the bathroom! I think that is the most uncomfortable part of this disorder... all the digestive problems. I can deal with being hungry and fatigued and even being tired but once I get digestive pains... *shudder* they are just so hurty and awful! Plus all the time spent in the bathroom could have been used to make me look better this AM.
My new beginning has gotten off to a rough start. So when I was getting ready this morning I decided to put my hair up as I didn't shower that morning or the day before- I really didn't need to; I spent all day in bed and didn't even change out of my PJs. So my hair did not cooperate with me today and I can see roots starting to show. To go with my bad hair day I also am having a bad outfit day. I'm very unsatisfied by how I look right now. Brown dress pants, brown collared shirt with snap buttons and thin, white horizontal stripes, light brown wool zip-up cardigan, brown leather dress shoes with no heel. I feel like its too casual and paired with my bad hair- I look like a huge slob today. And I put on make up but I think I did a half-ass job as I woke up later than I wanted. Plus, my horrible hair made me feel like I was going to look ugly today no matter what so I didn't really do a good job. I didn't even weigh myself because I was afraid of what it would say.
But its going to be okay. Because today is the first and its Monday! So this month will end at 125.
FEBRUARY GOALS
1. No more than 1,000 cals a day.
I have learned that I should start with attainable goals. If I set goals that are unrealistic, like last week when I tried to not go over 700 cals a day, I can't make it and I get upset and I give up and eat. So, a more attainable goal for this month is no more than 1,000 calories a day. I PROMISE!
2. If I mess up and have more than 1,000 cals a day I will not give up on my plan.
I will start over the next morning with a better attitude and more self-control! Although I will do my absolute very very best to not go over 1,000 calories a day.
3. I will make more of an effort to always be beautiful
Whether I go out that day or not, I will shower every day and do my make up and hair every day. I will pick outfits the night before so I always look nice. I saw two girls on the ride to work this morning who were so stunning. They both had spent time on themselves that morning. More than the half hour I spent on myself this morning and I thought, "Those girls really care about themselves. They look like they spent time getting ready today. They must have their shit together." And although I know I'm a wreck, if I make the effort to be beautiful then people will think the same thoughts about me.
4. On days that I do not have practice I must ride my bike to work
In order to keep burning calories and keep my metabolism working there will not be a day I do not exercise. I have been more than lazy in January and I will fix this in February! If I stay active I generally feel better about myself than if I don't do any exercise on a particular day. If practice is cancelled or I'll be late or something! I must jog around the block. And its stupid cold and I hate to run so hopefully this will be a big motivation.
5. I will be more clean
I clean and organized life does not have room for sloppy food messes. If my apartment is clean I will be less likely to want to make food and create a mess. If my room is clean I will be lesss likely to want to eat anything because I will want to be as clean on the inside as I am on the outside. Plus I can always clean instead of eat!
6. I will continue to date P___
Even though I like being alone. I don't feel compelled to be in a relationship. I don't care if people love me or whatever... But I feel less like wanting to deal with explaining that I have no emotions and am uncapable of love and breaking up than just going with the flow. My last date with P___ was not as thrilling as the first. He had a sore on his eye that he was really embarrassed about and I found myself being really shallow about his appearance. And I think he's cute. I just am looking for excuses. If he thinks I'm smart and pretty and wants to kiss me or whatever then that's fine. Maybe I'll come around eventually but for the time being, I am incapable of loving anyone. I don't care if we go out to another restaurant. I just won't eat and I'll make an excuse. But I won't ditch practice for dates anymore.
I'm sure I'll add to the list but that's a good start for now.
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