Fat Fucking Failure

I put myself into a situation this weekend where I would not be allowed to purge. Instead of following my rules and staying under 1,000 calories a day I just ate whatever I wanted. All I wanted was ice cream or chocolate. The more fattening and grosser the better because I knew I'd be around too many people to get the chance to sneak away.

I consumed the following foods that only fat fucking idiots put into their disgusting mouths:

TWO packages of Hostess Sno Balls
A Beer
Burger King MEDIUM Chocolate Shake
Burger King Value-sized FRENCH FRIES
Cheese
TWO pieces of TOAST with BUTTER and jam
Pita BREAD with hummus and FETA CHEESE
Sonic LARGE Tater Tots
Sonic REGULAR Orange Cream Slush
Package of 3 Hostess Ho-Hos
Small Hot Chocolate
Hazelnut steamer with, most likely, WHOLE MILK

That must be AT LEAST 3,000 calories of nothing but shit and fat. You were not going to do this in March, remember? You were going to stick to the plan and not eat and if you ate ANYTHING over 1,000 you swore you'd throw it up. But you didn't because you are a fat piece of shit that can't keep control over anything.

I guess I'd better get used to being alone and unloved for the rest of my life because I'm too stupid and fucked up to ever have a boyfriend or a husband or kids or a family of my own. I might as well just deal with that now. I'm feeling so atheistic right now. Like I just want to abuse my body. Use it up, destroy it, use it carelessly, let other people use it carelessly, it is nothing but a shell. A big bag of blood and fat and bone and nothing else. I bet after I die nothing will happen. This is it. One life, one shot and mine is fucked beyond belief. I am nothing like I thought I should be.

I want to start over. I wasted so much of my life being scared of life. I always thought I'd get kidnapped and killed as a child. I am terrified to fly. I do not have boyfriends. I don't have any friends. I am still a virgin, how pathetic is that? I mean, really? 29 year old virgin. No wonder I'm so fucked up. I was so scared of my body for so long I never let anyone touch it. And now I'm almost thirty and no one wants to sleep with a fat fucking idiot virgin.

I'm totally disgusted by myself. I'm even madder because I was really really depressed and told my psychiatrist that I think I have a problem with food. Seriously? I'm already wimping out? I'm not even sick. I'm just a depressed baby that wants attention. "Oh feel bad for me, I can't eat, cry over me, give me attention, tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm thin, tell me you love me, be concerned about me, worry about me."

WORTHLESS!

How can you even think you have the right to think you are anorexic? You are only a wanna-be baby that is totally full of shit. If I were one of you I'd think that I was just another stupid girl trying to get attention. The little girl that cried, "anorexia!"

I'm not sick, I'm just stupid.

AGAIN

It is March. Monday. The first. New beginnings and plans. Another start to try not to fuck it up.

I weighed myself this morning and it is not good. I can't even type it, its so gross. I am fat and stupid and can't hack it.

Started purging as a last resort. 3 times last week. Purging scares me. Potassium, electrolytes... whatever. If I'm not 120lbs by April I will do something insane. I don't know.

Whatever! I hate this! I'm going to be 110 by May.

That's that. No discussion. Period.