I put myself into a situation this weekend where I would not be allowed to purge. Instead of following my rules and staying under 1,000 calories a day I just ate whatever I wanted. All I wanted was ice cream or chocolate. The more fattening and grosser the better because I knew I'd be around too many people to get the chance to sneak away.
I consumed the following foods that only fat fucking idiots put into their disgusting mouths:
TWO packages of Hostess Sno Balls
A Beer
Burger King MEDIUM Chocolate Shake
Burger King Value-sized FRENCH FRIES
Cheese
TWO pieces of TOAST with BUTTER and jam
Pita BREAD with hummus and FETA CHEESE
Sonic LARGE Tater Tots
Sonic REGULAR Orange Cream Slush
Package of 3 Hostess Ho-Hos
Small Hot Chocolate
Hazelnut steamer with, most likely, WHOLE MILK
That must be AT LEAST 3,000 calories of nothing but shit and fat. You were not going to do this in March, remember? You were going to stick to the plan and not eat and if you ate ANYTHING over 1,000 you swore you'd throw it up. But you didn't because you are a fat piece of shit that can't keep control over anything.
I guess I'd better get used to being alone and unloved for the rest of my life because I'm too stupid and fucked up to ever have a boyfriend or a husband or kids or a family of my own. I might as well just deal with that now. I'm feeling so atheistic right now. Like I just want to abuse my body. Use it up, destroy it, use it carelessly, let other people use it carelessly, it is nothing but a shell. A big bag of blood and fat and bone and nothing else. I bet after I die nothing will happen. This is it. One life, one shot and mine is fucked beyond belief. I am nothing like I thought I should be.
I want to start over. I wasted so much of my life being scared of life. I always thought I'd get kidnapped and killed as a child. I am terrified to fly. I do not have boyfriends. I don't have any friends. I am still a virgin, how pathetic is that? I mean, really? 29 year old virgin. No wonder I'm so fucked up. I was so scared of my body for so long I never let anyone touch it. And now I'm almost thirty and no one wants to sleep with a fat fucking idiot virgin.
I'm totally disgusted by myself. I'm even madder because I was really really depressed and told my psychiatrist that I think I have a problem with food. Seriously? I'm already wimping out? I'm not even sick. I'm just a depressed baby that wants attention. "Oh feel bad for me, I can't eat, cry over me, give me attention, tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm thin, tell me you love me, be concerned about me, worry about me."
WORTHLESS!
How can you even think you have the right to think you are anorexic? You are only a wanna-be baby that is totally full of shit. If I were one of you I'd think that I was just another stupid girl trying to get attention. The little girl that cried, "anorexia!"
I'm not sick, I'm just stupid.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
AGAIN
It is March. Monday. The first. New beginnings and plans. Another start to try not to fuck it up.
I weighed myself this morning and it is not good. I can't even type it, its so gross. I am fat and stupid and can't hack it.
Started purging as a last resort. 3 times last week. Purging scares me. Potassium, electrolytes... whatever. If I'm not 120lbs by April I will do something insane. I don't know.
Whatever! I hate this! I'm going to be 110 by May.
That's that. No discussion. Period.
I weighed myself this morning and it is not good. I can't even type it, its so gross. I am fat and stupid and can't hack it.
Started purging as a last resort. 3 times last week. Purging scares me. Potassium, electrolytes... whatever. If I'm not 120lbs by April I will do something insane. I don't know.
Whatever! I hate this! I'm going to be 110 by May.
That's that. No discussion. Period.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Chew and Spit
I don't have my food diary. I forgot it. When I was walking to the bus I knew I forgot it but I was late and high and thought it would be alright if I left it and waiting to fill it out until I got home later. Not the case. I want it now. I want to know EXACTLY how I've been doing this week.
I've been chewing and spitting. Only bread. I love love love the taste and to chew on crusty bread. But its so full of calories! So I'll chew it and spit it out.
I had another date with P___ last night. He cooked me dinner. I hid it in my napkin. I mushed up all the food and spread it around the plate. I drank an entire bottle of wine. But I ate some. I think no more than 500 calories. But then the wine and the coffee that morning.
Just a bit over 1,000 calories for yesterday but I also did not exercise at all. Fuck! Plus a spoon of ice cream... 100 calories? 60? I swear, everyone in the world wants to feed me shit. My roommate has some sort of crazy peanut butter rice krispy treat things that she keeps pushing on me. Last night P___ got out ice cream for dessert. Today there are cupcakes and brownies at work. When I got my coffee this morning the clerk asked me, "Do you want anything to eat?"
No.
Nothing. Ever.
I like that I feel I can control men with my body. Now that I've lost weight I can tell how much they treat me differently. They only ever want one thing anyway.
I've been chewing and spitting. Only bread. I love love love the taste and to chew on crusty bread. But its so full of calories! So I'll chew it and spit it out.
I had another date with P___ last night. He cooked me dinner. I hid it in my napkin. I mushed up all the food and spread it around the plate. I drank an entire bottle of wine. But I ate some. I think no more than 500 calories. But then the wine and the coffee that morning.
Just a bit over 1,000 calories for yesterday but I also did not exercise at all. Fuck! Plus a spoon of ice cream... 100 calories? 60? I swear, everyone in the world wants to feed me shit. My roommate has some sort of crazy peanut butter rice krispy treat things that she keeps pushing on me. Last night P___ got out ice cream for dessert. Today there are cupcakes and brownies at work. When I got my coffee this morning the clerk asked me, "Do you want anything to eat?"
No.
Nothing. Ever.
I like that I feel I can control men with my body. Now that I've lost weight I can tell how much they treat me differently. They only ever want one thing anyway.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Dog in Monopoly
Today is slow. All this snow has sapped me of my already non-existant energy. My bike is immobile at the moment. I'm tired and I feel a sick day coming on. I can only keep up so much at work before I need to take a break and hide from the world. My body is so sore from scrimmage practice. I want to take a nap. Just leave and go home to bed. I might go out to exercise tonight, I might not. The roads are slippery with this idiot snow and an evening in seems very appealing.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.
The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.
I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.
I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"
Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.
I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.
P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Unraveling
ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FUCKING POUNDS!
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?
I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.
I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.
But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.
I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.
I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.
I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?
Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
SweetTart
Today I woke up and felt great! Although I've had some slippage in my 1,000 claorie a day limit, it hasn't been by too much and I've come nowhere near 2,000! So, I'll just accept that little victory and learn from my mistakes. I've only had one time when I totally lost it and that was last night. My roommate is dating a guy who works at a VEGAN ICE CREAM PLANT. He makes vegan ice cream. He brings my roommate gallons. So, I already have a problem with bad food being in my apartment. I get this crazy idea that if I eat the bad food in my apartment and get it over with, it won't be there to annoy me and make things harder daily. Any ideas on how to not eat the bad food that my roommate buys? I resist most things. Like if she only had a pint of ice cream, it wouldn't bother me. But this is a plastic gallon tub. I don't eat her cereals. Sometimes I slip and have one of her pops. She doesn't drink diet. It's 50/50 sometimes with dealing with the presence of bad foods. I don't buy them, an easy fix so I won't be tempted. But when that's out of my control, as I share a fridge with someone else, I can't control everything that goes in there.
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
I'm .5 lbs away from my lowest weight of 126! I really think I can surpass my goal of 125 for the end of February.
Monday: In = 910, Out = 2769, Total Cals = -1859 GREEN DAY! (a Green Day is when I have a calorie deficiency of 1,500 or more. Those are the best days!)
Tuesday: 128.5 In = 1355, Out = 1700, Total Cals = -345 (Blue Day :( I didn't make it to a deficiency of 1,000, my everyday goal since the very very beginning. The goal that outweighs (haha!) my calorie intake rule)
Wednesday: 128 In = 1370, Out = 2113, Total = -743 (Blue Day)
Today is my early day off work and my derby practice has been cancelled so I have the whole afternoon! I'm going to go to the grocery store and buy some fruit! some fresh veggies! SKIM milk (my roomie keeps buying 1% :[ ), FF cottage cheese, fresh fish and hummus.
I called P___ last night and we have a date for this weekend. My moods are so changing. Yesterday I couldn't give a crap if a boy was interested in me, but today... Today I feel like kissing someone. I think that's because my weight is down and I'm feeling really good about myself. That I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I have the willpower (most of the time) to say, "no." We will see how I feel tomorrow to see if that moment of ice cream weakness will make me bloat it up. But in general, I think February has gotten off to a really good start.
I spent way too much money on make up yesterday! I was sick of hating my circles and zits and uneven skin and I decided I would do something about it. I love my outfit today. My hair is cooperating and this skirt is feeling a little loose. I tried on jeans yesterday and I bought a size 4. In my mind, I know that people think a size 4 is small. But... because I lost weight at such a rate (60 lbs in one year, 70 now) my skin is very loose. And I can see where my thighs still touch. I also bought some cute underwear in case things with P___ get sexy };) So... I'm finding a little satisfaction that I'm a size 4, and that size 4 is considered skinny by most people but I know I'm not satisfied until that scale says 110. When my BMI is finally at 18.5. That's when I'll be happy. But that's probably not going to be for a little while yet, maybe by the summer.
Today's Plan:
Work
Buy myself a little skinny reward- I think I'll get a book, or maybe some jewelry...
Go Home
Get High
Small calorie snack (OMG! My favorite new low-cal munchies cure?: Nature's Path Organic Heritage Os. Only 120 calories per serving (3/4 cup)and they are really dense and crunchy! Very filling for stoners with ED. I eat it dry, slowly and I like them if they're a bit stale, that way they are crunchier! Haha
Go to the Grocery Store (I should take a horrible fat picture of myself with me )
Get High
Have my calories
Put away some clothes?
Lay in bed and watch movies and go to sleep early!
Today is going to be super good!
Monday, February 1, 2010
RABBIT! RABBIT!
I just love new beginnings. Today is a great day for a fresh start. Not only is it Monday, my usual day of "fresh starts" but its also the first day of a whole new month. And this month is going to be MY MONTH!
Even though today started out not so good. This morning I woke up to stomach cramps and the need to run to the bathroom! I think that is the most uncomfortable part of this disorder... all the digestive problems. I can deal with being hungry and fatigued and even being tired but once I get digestive pains... *shudder* they are just so hurty and awful! Plus all the time spent in the bathroom could have been used to make me look better this AM.
My new beginning has gotten off to a rough start. So when I was getting ready this morning I decided to put my hair up as I didn't shower that morning or the day before- I really didn't need to; I spent all day in bed and didn't even change out of my PJs. So my hair did not cooperate with me today and I can see roots starting to show. To go with my bad hair day I also am having a bad outfit day. I'm very unsatisfied by how I look right now. Brown dress pants, brown collared shirt with snap buttons and thin, white horizontal stripes, light brown wool zip-up cardigan, brown leather dress shoes with no heel. I feel like its too casual and paired with my bad hair- I look like a huge slob today. And I put on make up but I think I did a half-ass job as I woke up later than I wanted. Plus, my horrible hair made me feel like I was going to look ugly today no matter what so I didn't really do a good job. I didn't even weigh myself because I was afraid of what it would say.
But its going to be okay. Because today is the first and its Monday! So this month will end at 125.
FEBRUARY GOALS
1. No more than 1,000 cals a day.
I have learned that I should start with attainable goals. If I set goals that are unrealistic, like last week when I tried to not go over 700 cals a day, I can't make it and I get upset and I give up and eat. So, a more attainable goal for this month is no more than 1,000 calories a day. I PROMISE!
2. If I mess up and have more than 1,000 cals a day I will not give up on my plan.
I will start over the next morning with a better attitude and more self-control! Although I will do my absolute very very best to not go over 1,000 calories a day.
3. I will make more of an effort to always be beautiful
Whether I go out that day or not, I will shower every day and do my make up and hair every day. I will pick outfits the night before so I always look nice. I saw two girls on the ride to work this morning who were so stunning. They both had spent time on themselves that morning. More than the half hour I spent on myself this morning and I thought, "Those girls really care about themselves. They look like they spent time getting ready today. They must have their shit together." And although I know I'm a wreck, if I make the effort to be beautiful then people will think the same thoughts about me.
4. On days that I do not have practice I must ride my bike to work
In order to keep burning calories and keep my metabolism working there will not be a day I do not exercise. I have been more than lazy in January and I will fix this in February! If I stay active I generally feel better about myself than if I don't do any exercise on a particular day. If practice is cancelled or I'll be late or something! I must jog around the block. And its stupid cold and I hate to run so hopefully this will be a big motivation.
5. I will be more clean
I clean and organized life does not have room for sloppy food messes. If my apartment is clean I will be less likely to want to make food and create a mess. If my room is clean I will be lesss likely to want to eat anything because I will want to be as clean on the inside as I am on the outside. Plus I can always clean instead of eat!
6. I will continue to date P___
Even though I like being alone. I don't feel compelled to be in a relationship. I don't care if people love me or whatever... But I feel less like wanting to deal with explaining that I have no emotions and am uncapable of love and breaking up than just going with the flow. My last date with P___ was not as thrilling as the first. He had a sore on his eye that he was really embarrassed about and I found myself being really shallow about his appearance. And I think he's cute. I just am looking for excuses. If he thinks I'm smart and pretty and wants to kiss me or whatever then that's fine. Maybe I'll come around eventually but for the time being, I am incapable of loving anyone. I don't care if we go out to another restaurant. I just won't eat and I'll make an excuse. But I won't ditch practice for dates anymore.
I'm sure I'll add to the list but that's a good start for now.
Even though today started out not so good. This morning I woke up to stomach cramps and the need to run to the bathroom! I think that is the most uncomfortable part of this disorder... all the digestive problems. I can deal with being hungry and fatigued and even being tired but once I get digestive pains... *shudder* they are just so hurty and awful! Plus all the time spent in the bathroom could have been used to make me look better this AM.
My new beginning has gotten off to a rough start. So when I was getting ready this morning I decided to put my hair up as I didn't shower that morning or the day before- I really didn't need to; I spent all day in bed and didn't even change out of my PJs. So my hair did not cooperate with me today and I can see roots starting to show. To go with my bad hair day I also am having a bad outfit day. I'm very unsatisfied by how I look right now. Brown dress pants, brown collared shirt with snap buttons and thin, white horizontal stripes, light brown wool zip-up cardigan, brown leather dress shoes with no heel. I feel like its too casual and paired with my bad hair- I look like a huge slob today. And I put on make up but I think I did a half-ass job as I woke up later than I wanted. Plus, my horrible hair made me feel like I was going to look ugly today no matter what so I didn't really do a good job. I didn't even weigh myself because I was afraid of what it would say.
But its going to be okay. Because today is the first and its Monday! So this month will end at 125.
FEBRUARY GOALS
1. No more than 1,000 cals a day.
I have learned that I should start with attainable goals. If I set goals that are unrealistic, like last week when I tried to not go over 700 cals a day, I can't make it and I get upset and I give up and eat. So, a more attainable goal for this month is no more than 1,000 calories a day. I PROMISE!
2. If I mess up and have more than 1,000 cals a day I will not give up on my plan.
I will start over the next morning with a better attitude and more self-control! Although I will do my absolute very very best to not go over 1,000 calories a day.
3. I will make more of an effort to always be beautiful
Whether I go out that day or not, I will shower every day and do my make up and hair every day. I will pick outfits the night before so I always look nice. I saw two girls on the ride to work this morning who were so stunning. They both had spent time on themselves that morning. More than the half hour I spent on myself this morning and I thought, "Those girls really care about themselves. They look like they spent time getting ready today. They must have their shit together." And although I know I'm a wreck, if I make the effort to be beautiful then people will think the same thoughts about me.
4. On days that I do not have practice I must ride my bike to work
In order to keep burning calories and keep my metabolism working there will not be a day I do not exercise. I have been more than lazy in January and I will fix this in February! If I stay active I generally feel better about myself than if I don't do any exercise on a particular day. If practice is cancelled or I'll be late or something! I must jog around the block. And its stupid cold and I hate to run so hopefully this will be a big motivation.
5. I will be more clean
I clean and organized life does not have room for sloppy food messes. If my apartment is clean I will be less likely to want to make food and create a mess. If my room is clean I will be lesss likely to want to eat anything because I will want to be as clean on the inside as I am on the outside. Plus I can always clean instead of eat!
6. I will continue to date P___
Even though I like being alone. I don't feel compelled to be in a relationship. I don't care if people love me or whatever... But I feel less like wanting to deal with explaining that I have no emotions and am uncapable of love and breaking up than just going with the flow. My last date with P___ was not as thrilling as the first. He had a sore on his eye that he was really embarrassed about and I found myself being really shallow about his appearance. And I think he's cute. I just am looking for excuses. If he thinks I'm smart and pretty and wants to kiss me or whatever then that's fine. Maybe I'll come around eventually but for the time being, I am incapable of loving anyone. I don't care if we go out to another restaurant. I just won't eat and I'll make an excuse. But I won't ditch practice for dates anymore.
I'm sure I'll add to the list but that's a good start for now.
Friday, January 29, 2010
HEY! Mad About It >:(
Weights This Week:
Monday: Cals Eaten +379 Cals Burned: -1724 Total= -1354 Weight: 134
Tuesday: Cals Eaten: +1687.5 Cals Burned: -1900 Total= -212.5 Weight: 128.5
Wednesday: Cals Eaten:+2135 (OMG Horrible!) Cals Burned: -2825 Total= -690
Thursday: Cals Eaten: +2679 (EVEN WORSE!!!) Cals Burned: -2871 Total= -192 Weight:132
Friday: Cals Eaten: +120 so far...
I am so goddamn mad! I haven't had ANY surplus calories all week, not since Monday. Truth be told... I hadn't realized I have eaten in excess of 2,000 two days in a row. I am worthless! I told myself over and over, "No more than 700 calories a day all this week" because I had surplus calories last weekend. To top it all off I have been supe super fatigued today. More than three times I've thought about going home sick because I feel so miserable. I was thinking I was really feeling that weak tiredness from not eating but clearly, that can't be the case because I have been eating!
I almost have no food of my own, and I like that because if I don't own any food I can't eat any food. That was working for a really long time but I started to feel bad nibbling on my roommate's food all the time, so I bought some. AND NOW I CAN'T STOP EATING IT ALL!
This is the worst day ever. When I get home I have to go to Target AND I have to go to a party. Two things I definitely do not want to do today at all. I have to go to Target to buy a present for the party I don't want to go to. While I'm there I'll also be buying toilet paper. Fuck fuck fuck... I wish I had a will of iron. Then I could do what I have been telling myself to do for forever and just stop eating.
I still have a couple of hours left here and I can't focus on anything. I'm trying to write up lesson plans etc. but my brain is off. Well, I'll try on clothes at Target. Maybe that will stop me from myself.
Monday: Cals Eaten +379 Cals Burned: -1724 Total= -1354 Weight: 134
Tuesday: Cals Eaten: +1687.5 Cals Burned: -1900 Total= -212.5 Weight: 128.5
Wednesday: Cals Eaten:+2135 (OMG Horrible!) Cals Burned: -2825 Total= -690
Thursday: Cals Eaten: +2679 (EVEN WORSE!!!) Cals Burned: -2871 Total= -192 Weight:132
Friday: Cals Eaten: +120 so far...
I am so goddamn mad! I haven't had ANY surplus calories all week, not since Monday. Truth be told... I hadn't realized I have eaten in excess of 2,000 two days in a row. I am worthless! I told myself over and over, "No more than 700 calories a day all this week" because I had surplus calories last weekend. To top it all off I have been supe super fatigued today. More than three times I've thought about going home sick because I feel so miserable. I was thinking I was really feeling that weak tiredness from not eating but clearly, that can't be the case because I have been eating!
I almost have no food of my own, and I like that because if I don't own any food I can't eat any food. That was working for a really long time but I started to feel bad nibbling on my roommate's food all the time, so I bought some. AND NOW I CAN'T STOP EATING IT ALL!
This is the worst day ever. When I get home I have to go to Target AND I have to go to a party. Two things I definitely do not want to do today at all. I have to go to Target to buy a present for the party I don't want to go to. While I'm there I'll also be buying toilet paper. Fuck fuck fuck... I wish I had a will of iron. Then I could do what I have been telling myself to do for forever and just stop eating.
I still have a couple of hours left here and I can't focus on anything. I'm trying to write up lesson plans etc. but my brain is off. Well, I'll try on clothes at Target. Maybe that will stop me from myself.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It's Not Enough
I'm so hungry. I can't think about working on anything. I have a whole day ahead of me and I'm already starving. What am I going to do? Every morning I go into Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee. Every day I look at all those donuts and I think about how gross they will make me look. I look at everyone in line and they are all fat and ugly and I know its because they are eating those donuts. When I was fat, I would go into that same Dunkin Donuts and get breakfast sandwiches. Sometimes I would get a breakfast sandwich, hot chocolate and a fancy donut like an apple fritter or an eclaire. When I go in there I know that when I look at the muffins they are outrageously filled with 500 calories; 1/4 of what normal people eat a day.
I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.
I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.
I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.
I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.
I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.
I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Passageway
It has been a shitty two weeks. I just can't seem to control myself. For nine days I wasn't watching myself closely enough. I just ate whatever. And at the time, I felt I was watching what I was eating. But when I wrote it all down it looks like I'm not anorexic at all. It looks like I just think and obsess about not eating food but I just go ahead and eat anyway. Last Friday I weighed 128.5- not my lowest but still... and I gained 6 lbs in 2 days! I was so mad at myself that I vowed on Monday morning not to consume more than 700 calories a day all week Monday through Sunday.
Diligience is key. The way I've been using my food diary has been to write all things I ate the day before the morning after. I like this quiet time to myself in the morning and its methodial and soothing to set this time aside to count calories and grade myself on how well I did. This has not been working as I often think, "I have another 200 calories or so to use." Or I don't think about it at all and wait to deal with the aftermath the next morning. Now I write everything down right away so I know how many calories I have left for the day all through the day. It's much more of a pain in the ass but I'd rather have to deal with this than to gain 6 pounds in 2 days.
I can hear myself becoming more and more superficial. In the things I say and do and how I act. There was once a time when I would go out in my pajamas with no make up. I would never do that now. I'm obsessed with looking good although I rarely feel that I do. My hair seems limp and stringy and dull. My nose is far too long and pointy. I feel like a cartoon most of the time.
I only feel fine when I'm high and laying in my bed watching tv. I also feel good when I'm hungry but don't eat. I feel powerful and its the only time I feel thin.
My cat opened my fridge last night and ate my thawed fish- fish I was going to make for dinner but didn't :) He opened the refridgerator, got the paper opened and dragged the fish pieces out of the plastic bag. The horrible thing is he only nibbled on them and some parts of the skin was missing but most of the meat was there. I threw it away anyway, I guess I'll throw the other fish away too. I'm not that into Catfish, it looks like a fossil. I'll also throw away the cottage cheese I accidentally left out along with the salsa that was left out.
When I get home I'm going to get high and clean my room. I'll probably eat some tuna and then go to sleep.
P___ called. I haven't seen him in over a week. I have to call him back but I'm nervous. I don't want to have to navigate around food when I'm with him. I'd like it to be avoided at all costs. Gotta come up with date things that don't involve dinner.
Diligience is key. The way I've been using my food diary has been to write all things I ate the day before the morning after. I like this quiet time to myself in the morning and its methodial and soothing to set this time aside to count calories and grade myself on how well I did. This has not been working as I often think, "I have another 200 calories or so to use." Or I don't think about it at all and wait to deal with the aftermath the next morning. Now I write everything down right away so I know how many calories I have left for the day all through the day. It's much more of a pain in the ass but I'd rather have to deal with this than to gain 6 pounds in 2 days.
I can hear myself becoming more and more superficial. In the things I say and do and how I act. There was once a time when I would go out in my pajamas with no make up. I would never do that now. I'm obsessed with looking good although I rarely feel that I do. My hair seems limp and stringy and dull. My nose is far too long and pointy. I feel like a cartoon most of the time.
I only feel fine when I'm high and laying in my bed watching tv. I also feel good when I'm hungry but don't eat. I feel powerful and its the only time I feel thin.
My cat opened my fridge last night and ate my thawed fish- fish I was going to make for dinner but didn't :) He opened the refridgerator, got the paper opened and dragged the fish pieces out of the plastic bag. The horrible thing is he only nibbled on them and some parts of the skin was missing but most of the meat was there. I threw it away anyway, I guess I'll throw the other fish away too. I'm not that into Catfish, it looks like a fossil. I'll also throw away the cottage cheese I accidentally left out along with the salsa that was left out.
When I get home I'm going to get high and clean my room. I'll probably eat some tuna and then go to sleep.
P___ called. I haven't seen him in over a week. I have to call him back but I'm nervous. I don't want to have to navigate around food when I'm with him. I'd like it to be avoided at all costs. Gotta come up with date things that don't involve dinner.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
El Bandito Rides Again
I've done so many stupis things. I ate so much stupid shit. It's almost like I don't care anymore. When I'm there, in my room, with this food I don't feel bad about eating it. My new favorite snack is Sun Chips in cottage cheese. The idiot I am thinks that it tastes good. But now, when I'm thinking about what I must have looked like pigging out on those in my room... IN MY BED! It just seems so disgusting. Like, "I'm not that disgusting girl that eats cheese crackers with more cheese on that in bed. I gross myself out so much.
If my room was neat and clean then I think I would have a harder time eating in it. I wouldn't want to mess anything up. Maybe today I should start a serious room cleaning. I super cleaned the bathroom the other day. But I'm just so goddamn lazy and tired when I get home from work, if I don't have practice then I fall right asleep. Well, I get high first and then fall asleep. I feel that if I'm sleeping I won't feel hungry.
Crap! I forgot to add all those crackers and hummos I ate yesterday to my food diary. The other day I was thinking that I need to keep my food diary with me all the time so I can keep track of what I'm eating throughout the day so I don't go above x amount of calories a day. But I had it with me all day yesterday and I still overate. I really think I broke 2,000 calories. I haven't broken 2,000 cals in a really long time.
I have to stop blaming my faults on my tools. It's not because I don't carry around my diary and its not because my room isn't clean... It's because I have no discipline. I need more stucture and discipline when it comes to what I do during the day. I'm just so lazy and fat and slobby. I can't stand it! When I look in my room I want to puke and die, its so messy and gross.
Today I will clean my room! I do have practice so I nee to take a break, plus I'll have ridden my bike home so I'll be tired. Look at me, making excuses already. I know I can at least do dishes. I want it to be that I never ever have dishes in the sink so no trace of anything I eat is ever to be seen by anyone.
I wish I could get it all done today...
How to Clean a Bedroom | eHow.com
If my room was neat and clean then I think I would have a harder time eating in it. I wouldn't want to mess anything up. Maybe today I should start a serious room cleaning. I super cleaned the bathroom the other day. But I'm just so goddamn lazy and tired when I get home from work, if I don't have practice then I fall right asleep. Well, I get high first and then fall asleep. I feel that if I'm sleeping I won't feel hungry.
Crap! I forgot to add all those crackers and hummos I ate yesterday to my food diary. The other day I was thinking that I need to keep my food diary with me all the time so I can keep track of what I'm eating throughout the day so I don't go above x amount of calories a day. But I had it with me all day yesterday and I still overate. I really think I broke 2,000 calories. I haven't broken 2,000 cals in a really long time.
I have to stop blaming my faults on my tools. It's not because I don't carry around my diary and its not because my room isn't clean... It's because I have no discipline. I need more stucture and discipline when it comes to what I do during the day. I'm just so lazy and fat and slobby. I can't stand it! When I look in my room I want to puke and die, its so messy and gross.
Today I will clean my room! I do have practice so I nee to take a break, plus I'll have ridden my bike home so I'll be tired. Look at me, making excuses already. I know I can at least do dishes. I want it to be that I never ever have dishes in the sink so no trace of anything I eat is ever to be seen by anyone.
I wish I could get it all done today...
How to Clean a Bedroom | eHow.com
Friday, January 15, 2010
At The Coconut Lounge
I had the best date with P___. He came and picked me up and we had good conversation all through the night. He seemed a little nervous but I think it's just first date stuff. I think this one could be my boyfriend. One thing I found a little funny... First, I was glad we decided to split the dessert. Less calories right away. Plus, I managed to talk mostly and eat just enough to make it look like I ate my share. AND Thank Christ fancy dessert places have tiny and fashionable desserts instead of something like a huge brownie! And I went for beer instead of a hot chocolate or other dessert-type alcohols.
It was exactly what I wanted it to be.
It was exactly what I wanted it to be.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
If the Water Takes My Boat Away
Sometimes I don't really think I have Anorexia. I know I have problems with food. This past week I have been very good about watching my calories and keeping track of calories consumed and calories burned.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold Fingertips
I started keeping a food diary on Friday, March 13, 2009. This is what it says:
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
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