I've done so many stupis things. I ate so much stupid shit. It's almost like I don't care anymore. When I'm there, in my room, with this food I don't feel bad about eating it. My new favorite snack is Sun Chips in cottage cheese. The idiot I am thinks that it tastes good. But now, when I'm thinking about what I must have looked like pigging out on those in my room... IN MY BED! It just seems so disgusting. Like, "I'm not that disgusting girl that eats cheese crackers with more cheese on that in bed. I gross myself out so much.
If my room was neat and clean then I think I would have a harder time eating in it. I wouldn't want to mess anything up. Maybe today I should start a serious room cleaning. I super cleaned the bathroom the other day. But I'm just so goddamn lazy and tired when I get home from work, if I don't have practice then I fall right asleep. Well, I get high first and then fall asleep. I feel that if I'm sleeping I won't feel hungry.
Crap! I forgot to add all those crackers and hummos I ate yesterday to my food diary. The other day I was thinking that I need to keep my food diary with me all the time so I can keep track of what I'm eating throughout the day so I don't go above x amount of calories a day. But I had it with me all day yesterday and I still overate. I really think I broke 2,000 calories. I haven't broken 2,000 cals in a really long time.
I have to stop blaming my faults on my tools. It's not because I don't carry around my diary and its not because my room isn't clean... It's because I have no discipline. I need more stucture and discipline when it comes to what I do during the day. I'm just so lazy and fat and slobby. I can't stand it! When I look in my room I want to puke and die, its so messy and gross.
Today I will clean my room! I do have practice so I nee to take a break, plus I'll have ridden my bike home so I'll be tired. Look at me, making excuses already. I know I can at least do dishes. I want it to be that I never ever have dishes in the sink so no trace of anything I eat is ever to be seen by anyone.
I wish I could get it all done today...
How to Clean a Bedroom | eHow.com
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