Unraveling

ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FUCKING POUNDS!

Last Friday, in a blissful haze, I read those little red digital numbers on my scale and it flashed 123 at me. 123 123 123. Today, afraid, knowing bad things would happen, I got on the scale and it said 130. 7 pounds in one weekend? What the fuck is wrong with everything!?

I know I should be punished. I ate some horrible things on Saturday and my calories were not in the negatives at the end of the day. What I most regret are the two bowls of cereal and the half sleeve of Oreo fucking cookies with a cup of skim all on Saturday- along with the usual fare of tortilla chips, fat free cottage cheese and unsweetened applesauce. I am so pathetic.

I am smart. I have a Master's Degree. I have a nice, albeit annoyingly not full-time, job that pays well. I have dicipline. I exercise all the goddamn time! I am so dedicated to my roller derby team that I hardly miss practices. I am fast as fuck and can hit. I ride my bike! I walk! I do all of these things. Sometimes it is a huge struggle to even get out of bed and face the hours that line up one after another until I get to go back to bed. Which is the only place I feel safe.

But 7 pounds for that? 7 pounds for Oreos? Cow. Fatass. Idiot.

I looked at myself naked in front of the mirror yesterday. I hated everything I saw. I used to have such nice breasts. Now they hang. My beautiful days of being young and attractive have passed by. They were wasted as I was obese. I wish I figured this stuff out awhile ago.

I remember when I was purging. I was bulemic off and on throughout my college years. It never became a habit. I never thought it was satifying enough, I never thought I puked enough to make the effort worth it. It wasn't for me. But now that I just don't eat... I wish I tried anorexia first intead of bulemia. Maybe I could be someone else by now.

I didn't do anything all weekend. My room and apartment are still a huge mess. No kidding. I think I stayed in bed all weekend and just watched tv and tried not to eat until I scarfed those oreos, the cereal, the bread... I hate it I hate it! Why can't I be good at this?

Today has been a very bad day. I forgot my food diary before going to work so I didn't get to count up my calories and subtract exercise etc like I o to soothe me and to plan my day. Except for Saturday I have been so good about not going over 1,000 calories and haven't come anywhere close to 2,000. Fuck this. I hate everything. I want to hide from everyone and everything and never come to work again and just give up and stay in bed.