The Dog in Monopoly

Today is slow. All this snow has sapped me of my already non-existant energy. My bike is immobile at the moment. I'm tired and I feel a sick day coming on. I can only keep up so much at work before I need to take a break and hide from the world. My body is so sore from scrimmage practice. I want to take a nap. Just leave and go home to bed. I might go out to exercise tonight, I might not. The roads are slippery with this idiot snow and an evening in seems very appealing.

This is the usual time when I think of the things that I should get done, like cleaning my room or doing dishes, cleaning the litterbox, washing the walls, dusting, hanging pictures. But I don't think I'll do any of that. Maybe I'll hang some pictures... but it is more likely that I'll go to bed and fall asleep around 6 and sleep through the night.

The more I hear about eating disordered people the more the subject of female athletes come up. I wouldn't say that playing roller derby made me this way but I think people who are prone to anorexic behavior are also prone to sports because we love competition, we need a challenge. I have always been super competitive, I always want to win. The hard thing is not performing as well.

I'm being an idiot about it most of the time. It's not like I do not eat at all. I have my 1,000 calories, sometimes 300 or so more sometimes 300 or so less. In the past two months I've had 8 days with calories in surplus and only one of those days was in February.

I don't know where feelings come from. Do I feel hungry because I am or because I'm bored or because I have the munchies? Am I tired because I'm not eating right or am I just not sleeping enough? Does this come from me or my medication or missing my medication? When I was getting through my severe panic attacks, doctors would say to think of yourself somewhere else, doing something else and ignoring that bodily reaction that was totally involuntary. I have to do the same with hunger. And... it is becoming easier.

INTERNAL DIALOGUE WITH MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS:
"Don't ride the escalator, only fat people ride escalators."
"Eating high fat, disgusting food will probably do as much harm as not eating it."
"At least I'm not as fat as she is."
"I'll be small enough when I can still in this bus seat and not touch the creepy stranger sitting next to me."
If that stranger happens to be fat I yell at them in my mind through out the ride about how fat they are and how they are TOUCHING me and invading my space with their fat. I like when people sit next to me instead of fat people for this reason. They see that that fat person takes up too much room and they sit next to me instead because our jacketed arms won't uncomfortably touch as we sit there and wait for our stops.
"Mastery over pain and fear"
"Cow. Fatass"
"I want to faint, that will prove this is for real"
"If I look successful I am successful"
"People only think I'm thin because I used to be so fat. I'm not thin compared to normal thin people. I'm thin for an ex fat girl."
"How long do I have before it eats away my muscles?"

Fuck this shit. If Olympis gymnasts, swimmers, etc. If they can perform at that kind of level and still have an ED than so can I and I'm just believing all the dumb shit they say to scare you. I even read that it DOES improve athletic performance to lose lots of weight.

I am devious, deceptive, sneaky. I'll perfect the art of the smear, eating slowly in tiny bites, hiding food, spitting out food. Anything.

P___ called today. He confirmed dinner plans for Thursday. I'm breaking a work out routine to hang out with him. I'm doing this because I ditched him earlier this week and because I need to start practicing hiding food. Eating but not eating. If I can hide it from him I'll be able to hide it from my parents when they visit or I go home. This is only the beginning. By this time next year I bet I won't even recognize myself. The old me is going to vanish and this new person will take her place. This person will have her shit together.