I'm so hungry. I can't think about working on anything. I have a whole day ahead of me and I'm already starving. What am I going to do? Every morning I go into Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee. Every day I look at all those donuts and I think about how gross they will make me look. I look at everyone in line and they are all fat and ugly and I know its because they are eating those donuts. When I was fat, I would go into that same Dunkin Donuts and get breakfast sandwiches. Sometimes I would get a breakfast sandwich, hot chocolate and a fancy donut like an apple fritter or an eclaire. When I go in there I know that when I look at the muffins they are outrageously filled with 500 calories; 1/4 of what normal people eat a day.
I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.
I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.
I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.
Showing posts with label calories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label calories. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
If the Water Takes My Boat Away
Sometimes I don't really think I have Anorexia. I know I have problems with food. This past week I have been very good about watching my calories and keeping track of calories consumed and calories burned.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold Fingertips
I started keeping a food diary on Friday, March 13, 2009. This is what it says:
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
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