It's Not Enough

I'm so hungry. I can't think about working on anything. I have a whole day ahead of me and I'm already starving. What am I going to do? Every morning I go into Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee. Every day I look at all those donuts and I think about how gross they will make me look. I look at everyone in line and they are all fat and ugly and I know its because they are eating those donuts. When I was fat, I would go into that same Dunkin Donuts and get breakfast sandwiches. Sometimes I would get a breakfast sandwich, hot chocolate and a fancy donut like an apple fritter or an eclaire. When I go in there I know that when I look at the muffins they are outrageously filled with 500 calories; 1/4 of what normal people eat a day.

I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.

I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.

I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.