The Passageway

It has been a shitty two weeks. I just can't seem to control myself. For nine days I wasn't watching myself closely enough. I just ate whatever. And at the time, I felt I was watching what I was eating. But when I wrote it all down it looks like I'm not anorexic at all. It looks like I just think and obsess about not eating food but I just go ahead and eat anyway. Last Friday I weighed 128.5- not my lowest but still... and I gained 6 lbs in 2 days! I was so mad at myself that I vowed on Monday morning not to consume more than 700 calories a day all week Monday through Sunday.

Diligience is key. The way I've been using my food diary has been to write all things I ate the day before the morning after. I like this quiet time to myself in the morning and its methodial and soothing to set this time aside to count calories and grade myself on how well I did. This has not been working as I often think, "I have another 200 calories or so to use." Or I don't think about it at all and wait to deal with the aftermath the next morning. Now I write everything down right away so I know how many calories I have left for the day all through the day. It's much more of a pain in the ass but I'd rather have to deal with this than to gain 6 pounds in 2 days.

I can hear myself becoming more and more superficial. In the things I say and do and how I act. There was once a time when I would go out in my pajamas with no make up. I would never do that now. I'm obsessed with looking good although I rarely feel that I do. My hair seems limp and stringy and dull. My nose is far too long and pointy. I feel like a cartoon most of the time.

I only feel fine when I'm high and laying in my bed watching tv. I also feel good when I'm hungry but don't eat. I feel powerful and its the only time I feel thin.

My cat opened my fridge last night and ate my thawed fish- fish I was going to make for dinner but didn't :) He opened the refridgerator, got the paper opened and dragged the fish pieces out of the plastic bag. The horrible thing is he only nibbled on them and some parts of the skin was missing but most of the meat was there. I threw it away anyway, I guess I'll throw the other fish away too. I'm not that into Catfish, it looks like a fossil. I'll also throw away the cottage cheese I accidentally left out along with the salsa that was left out.

When I get home I'm going to get high and clean my room. I'll probably eat some tuna and then go to sleep.

P___ called. I haven't seen him in over a week. I have to call him back but I'm nervous. I don't want to have to navigate around food when I'm with him. I'd like it to be avoided at all costs. Gotta come up with date things that don't involve dinner.