Weights This Week:
Monday: Cals Eaten +379 Cals Burned: -1724 Total= -1354 Weight: 134
Tuesday: Cals Eaten: +1687.5 Cals Burned: -1900 Total= -212.5 Weight: 128.5
Wednesday: Cals Eaten:+2135 (OMG Horrible!) Cals Burned: -2825 Total= -690
Thursday: Cals Eaten: +2679 (EVEN WORSE!!!) Cals Burned: -2871 Total= -192 Weight:132
Friday: Cals Eaten: +120 so far...
I am so goddamn mad! I haven't had ANY surplus calories all week, not since Monday. Truth be told... I hadn't realized I have eaten in excess of 2,000 two days in a row. I am worthless! I told myself over and over, "No more than 700 calories a day all this week" because I had surplus calories last weekend. To top it all off I have been supe super fatigued today. More than three times I've thought about going home sick because I feel so miserable. I was thinking I was really feeling that weak tiredness from not eating but clearly, that can't be the case because I have been eating!
I almost have no food of my own, and I like that because if I don't own any food I can't eat any food. That was working for a really long time but I started to feel bad nibbling on my roommate's food all the time, so I bought some. AND NOW I CAN'T STOP EATING IT ALL!
This is the worst day ever. When I get home I have to go to Target AND I have to go to a party. Two things I definitely do not want to do today at all. I have to go to Target to buy a present for the party I don't want to go to. While I'm there I'll also be buying toilet paper. Fuck fuck fuck... I wish I had a will of iron. Then I could do what I have been telling myself to do for forever and just stop eating.
I still have a couple of hours left here and I can't focus on anything. I'm trying to write up lesson plans etc. but my brain is off. Well, I'll try on clothes at Target. Maybe that will stop me from myself.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It's Not Enough
I'm so hungry. I can't think about working on anything. I have a whole day ahead of me and I'm already starving. What am I going to do? Every morning I go into Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee. Every day I look at all those donuts and I think about how gross they will make me look. I look at everyone in line and they are all fat and ugly and I know its because they are eating those donuts. When I was fat, I would go into that same Dunkin Donuts and get breakfast sandwiches. Sometimes I would get a breakfast sandwich, hot chocolate and a fancy donut like an apple fritter or an eclaire. When I go in there I know that when I look at the muffins they are outrageously filled with 500 calories; 1/4 of what normal people eat a day.
I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.
I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.
I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.
I am terrified of McDonalds. I narrowly missed my first post-anorexic visit to a McDonald's when my teammates and I were driving back from a game. We didn't go in, thank God. They went through the drive thru. If I ever broke down and ate a sandwich from McDonalds I think I would cut myself or throw it up. But, to me, Bulemia doesn't get rid of all the calories and I can't puke enough to feel like I've got everything, so I'd rather be sure and just not have anything at all.
I know I am weak. I'm not as strong as I know I can be. Some days I do it, Monday was even better than I thought as I only had about 400 - 500 calories. But then yesterday I had 1600!!!!!!!!! I broke down and ate a cup and a half of ice cream and some cheese and crackers. I don't understand how some days are easier than others... Monday was so easy... Yesterday was easy at first... then I was stupid and thought, "I'm going to eat this ice cream and once I eat it, it won't be around anymmore for me to eat." I didn't buy it, my roommate did. Then once I'd blown it with the ice cream I figured I'd just eat whatever I wanted and had the cheese and crackers. If I hadn't eaten those things I would have stayed under 700. And this morning I can't stop thinking about food. I want a bagel or a croissant or a muffin. But I know I can't eat that shit.
I wish I were one of those girls who ate anything and stays slim. I wish I didn't have to obsess over food and over calories, over what I should or shouldn't say. If people are watching me. I'm living with this absolute fear of being discovered and actually confronted by someone. I'm also afraid noone will ever help me and I'll do this forever and ever.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Passageway
It has been a shitty two weeks. I just can't seem to control myself. For nine days I wasn't watching myself closely enough. I just ate whatever. And at the time, I felt I was watching what I was eating. But when I wrote it all down it looks like I'm not anorexic at all. It looks like I just think and obsess about not eating food but I just go ahead and eat anyway. Last Friday I weighed 128.5- not my lowest but still... and I gained 6 lbs in 2 days! I was so mad at myself that I vowed on Monday morning not to consume more than 700 calories a day all week Monday through Sunday.
Diligience is key. The way I've been using my food diary has been to write all things I ate the day before the morning after. I like this quiet time to myself in the morning and its methodial and soothing to set this time aside to count calories and grade myself on how well I did. This has not been working as I often think, "I have another 200 calories or so to use." Or I don't think about it at all and wait to deal with the aftermath the next morning. Now I write everything down right away so I know how many calories I have left for the day all through the day. It's much more of a pain in the ass but I'd rather have to deal with this than to gain 6 pounds in 2 days.
I can hear myself becoming more and more superficial. In the things I say and do and how I act. There was once a time when I would go out in my pajamas with no make up. I would never do that now. I'm obsessed with looking good although I rarely feel that I do. My hair seems limp and stringy and dull. My nose is far too long and pointy. I feel like a cartoon most of the time.
I only feel fine when I'm high and laying in my bed watching tv. I also feel good when I'm hungry but don't eat. I feel powerful and its the only time I feel thin.
My cat opened my fridge last night and ate my thawed fish- fish I was going to make for dinner but didn't :) He opened the refridgerator, got the paper opened and dragged the fish pieces out of the plastic bag. The horrible thing is he only nibbled on them and some parts of the skin was missing but most of the meat was there. I threw it away anyway, I guess I'll throw the other fish away too. I'm not that into Catfish, it looks like a fossil. I'll also throw away the cottage cheese I accidentally left out along with the salsa that was left out.
When I get home I'm going to get high and clean my room. I'll probably eat some tuna and then go to sleep.
P___ called. I haven't seen him in over a week. I have to call him back but I'm nervous. I don't want to have to navigate around food when I'm with him. I'd like it to be avoided at all costs. Gotta come up with date things that don't involve dinner.
Diligience is key. The way I've been using my food diary has been to write all things I ate the day before the morning after. I like this quiet time to myself in the morning and its methodial and soothing to set this time aside to count calories and grade myself on how well I did. This has not been working as I often think, "I have another 200 calories or so to use." Or I don't think about it at all and wait to deal with the aftermath the next morning. Now I write everything down right away so I know how many calories I have left for the day all through the day. It's much more of a pain in the ass but I'd rather have to deal with this than to gain 6 pounds in 2 days.
I can hear myself becoming more and more superficial. In the things I say and do and how I act. There was once a time when I would go out in my pajamas with no make up. I would never do that now. I'm obsessed with looking good although I rarely feel that I do. My hair seems limp and stringy and dull. My nose is far too long and pointy. I feel like a cartoon most of the time.
I only feel fine when I'm high and laying in my bed watching tv. I also feel good when I'm hungry but don't eat. I feel powerful and its the only time I feel thin.
My cat opened my fridge last night and ate my thawed fish- fish I was going to make for dinner but didn't :) He opened the refridgerator, got the paper opened and dragged the fish pieces out of the plastic bag. The horrible thing is he only nibbled on them and some parts of the skin was missing but most of the meat was there. I threw it away anyway, I guess I'll throw the other fish away too. I'm not that into Catfish, it looks like a fossil. I'll also throw away the cottage cheese I accidentally left out along with the salsa that was left out.
When I get home I'm going to get high and clean my room. I'll probably eat some tuna and then go to sleep.
P___ called. I haven't seen him in over a week. I have to call him back but I'm nervous. I don't want to have to navigate around food when I'm with him. I'd like it to be avoided at all costs. Gotta come up with date things that don't involve dinner.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
El Bandito Rides Again
I've done so many stupis things. I ate so much stupid shit. It's almost like I don't care anymore. When I'm there, in my room, with this food I don't feel bad about eating it. My new favorite snack is Sun Chips in cottage cheese. The idiot I am thinks that it tastes good. But now, when I'm thinking about what I must have looked like pigging out on those in my room... IN MY BED! It just seems so disgusting. Like, "I'm not that disgusting girl that eats cheese crackers with more cheese on that in bed. I gross myself out so much.
If my room was neat and clean then I think I would have a harder time eating in it. I wouldn't want to mess anything up. Maybe today I should start a serious room cleaning. I super cleaned the bathroom the other day. But I'm just so goddamn lazy and tired when I get home from work, if I don't have practice then I fall right asleep. Well, I get high first and then fall asleep. I feel that if I'm sleeping I won't feel hungry.
Crap! I forgot to add all those crackers and hummos I ate yesterday to my food diary. The other day I was thinking that I need to keep my food diary with me all the time so I can keep track of what I'm eating throughout the day so I don't go above x amount of calories a day. But I had it with me all day yesterday and I still overate. I really think I broke 2,000 calories. I haven't broken 2,000 cals in a really long time.
I have to stop blaming my faults on my tools. It's not because I don't carry around my diary and its not because my room isn't clean... It's because I have no discipline. I need more stucture and discipline when it comes to what I do during the day. I'm just so lazy and fat and slobby. I can't stand it! When I look in my room I want to puke and die, its so messy and gross.
Today I will clean my room! I do have practice so I nee to take a break, plus I'll have ridden my bike home so I'll be tired. Look at me, making excuses already. I know I can at least do dishes. I want it to be that I never ever have dishes in the sink so no trace of anything I eat is ever to be seen by anyone.
I wish I could get it all done today...
How to Clean a Bedroom | eHow.com
If my room was neat and clean then I think I would have a harder time eating in it. I wouldn't want to mess anything up. Maybe today I should start a serious room cleaning. I super cleaned the bathroom the other day. But I'm just so goddamn lazy and tired when I get home from work, if I don't have practice then I fall right asleep. Well, I get high first and then fall asleep. I feel that if I'm sleeping I won't feel hungry.
Crap! I forgot to add all those crackers and hummos I ate yesterday to my food diary. The other day I was thinking that I need to keep my food diary with me all the time so I can keep track of what I'm eating throughout the day so I don't go above x amount of calories a day. But I had it with me all day yesterday and I still overate. I really think I broke 2,000 calories. I haven't broken 2,000 cals in a really long time.
I have to stop blaming my faults on my tools. It's not because I don't carry around my diary and its not because my room isn't clean... It's because I have no discipline. I need more stucture and discipline when it comes to what I do during the day. I'm just so lazy and fat and slobby. I can't stand it! When I look in my room I want to puke and die, its so messy and gross.
Today I will clean my room! I do have practice so I nee to take a break, plus I'll have ridden my bike home so I'll be tired. Look at me, making excuses already. I know I can at least do dishes. I want it to be that I never ever have dishes in the sink so no trace of anything I eat is ever to be seen by anyone.
I wish I could get it all done today...
How to Clean a Bedroom | eHow.com
Friday, January 15, 2010
At The Coconut Lounge
I had the best date with P___. He came and picked me up and we had good conversation all through the night. He seemed a little nervous but I think it's just first date stuff. I think this one could be my boyfriend. One thing I found a little funny... First, I was glad we decided to split the dessert. Less calories right away. Plus, I managed to talk mostly and eat just enough to make it look like I ate my share. AND Thank Christ fancy dessert places have tiny and fashionable desserts instead of something like a huge brownie! And I went for beer instead of a hot chocolate or other dessert-type alcohols.
It was exactly what I wanted it to be.
It was exactly what I wanted it to be.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
If the Water Takes My Boat Away
Sometimes I don't really think I have Anorexia. I know I have problems with food. This past week I have been very good about watching my calories and keeping track of calories consumed and calories burned.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
MONDAY: 700 calories consumed - 2380 calories burned = -1680
TUESDAY: 120 calories consumed - 1724 calories burned = -1604
WEDNESDAY: 942 calories consumed - 2359 calories burned = -1417
But when I watch documentaries or read books about anorexic women, it seems like they restrict much more than I do. Some girls don't go above 100 calories a day. They are underweight and skeletal. Although Tuesday was a very low-calorie day most of my days tend to average around 1000 calories a day. 1000 calories a day doesn't say "anorexic" to me.
Tuesday was one of my most depressed days. I had a date with a guy named M___. I'm not that into him and I was dreading going out on this date. I couldn't deal with dealing with him at all. I was sad and depressed all day and ended up having a mini-fit trying to figure out all the responsibilities I had to do that night, which also involved a trip to the grocery store that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation.
My roommate went with a boyfried of hers (she has many) to pick up things to fix for dinner. I had no food in the apartment and knew I'd have to get something eventually. But when I got there I just walked up and down the aisles. Everything just seemed too hard to make or would take too long or be too complicated. So I gave up and didn't get anything. I ended up doing nothing at all, breaking the date with M___ (never to return a call again), not buying any food, not eating any food, not doing anything for work, and not doing anything for my derby team. I went in my room, smoked some grass and fell asleep. I was so tired and fatigued that I had to call in sick the next day.
Today I have a date with P___. This date I am very excited about! However, he wants to take me to a fancy chocolate cafe. I am so attracted to him and he just seems so kind. That's what I like the best about him, how kind he is. It is our first date and I am agonizing about what to wear, if I'll be pretty enough, if I'll be thin enough. I want this to really work out. And sometimes I fantasize about him saving me from all of my self-destructive behavior. He diapproves of the pot smoking and somehow saves me from my ED. That he'll love me so much that he'll rescue me from all of this.
How ego manical is this? I hope that I'm thin and pretty enough that he will put up with all my problems enough to love me and care about me. My friend Megan has made some off-hand comments like, "I'd be thin too if I didn't throw up everything I ate," or "You need to be eating something." She also makes fun of my skinny ass an has called me bulemic. Part of me knows she's jealous because she is a larger girl but I wish that instead of making side comments she'd actually try to talk to me about this. I know I'd lie to her but at least I'd know she really cared about me.
Well, I am not a purger. I prefer to eat nothing than to throw it up. But... I don't want P___ to be suspicious of me and I don't want to go out on a date and not have anything. It'll look strange and it would be rude anyway. I'm doing extra exercise in anticipation of this date (that may also be why I'm doing so good this week in calorie deficits) but I'm also skipping a usual exercise routine on Thursday nights to go out with him. So... if it is too much I'm going to get rid of it. I bet I can look at a menu online and pick some things so I have a plan before going in there.
Men are so difficult. Every guy I've ever known has always wanted to be with a thin girl. However, they always say things like they are annoyed when girls only have salads or ask for things with no dressing or no whipped cream and skim milk. How do you expect us to be thin if we don't do that kind of stuff? It's going to be a delicate balance of subterfuge trying to hide this ED from someone I really want to get close to.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold Fingertips
I started keeping a food diary on Friday, March 13, 2009. This is what it says:
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
Slim Fast Shake
Chips and Dip
Root Beer
Spanish Rice
Fake Meat Tacos
Cupcake
And that's the extent of it. Not quite a year later and this is my food diary entry from yesterday:
Thursday, January 7, 2010
130.5
Decaf w/ cream +120
Ensure +250
Peanut Butter M&Ms +480
Off-Brand Nacho Chips +498
1/4 cup Skim Milk +30
1378-1724= -346
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