RABBIT! RABBIT!

I just love new beginnings. Today is a great day for a fresh start. Not only is it Monday, my usual day of "fresh starts" but its also the first day of a whole new month. And this month is going to be MY MONTH!

Even though today started out not so good. This morning I woke up to stomach cramps and the need to run to the bathroom! I think that is the most uncomfortable part of this disorder... all the digestive problems. I can deal with being hungry and fatigued and even being tired but once I get digestive pains... *shudder* they are just so hurty and awful! Plus all the time spent in the bathroom could have been used to make me look better this AM.

My new beginning has gotten off to a rough start. So when I was getting ready this morning I decided to put my hair up as I didn't shower that morning or the day before- I really didn't need to; I spent all day in bed and didn't even change out of my PJs. So my hair did not cooperate with me today and I can see roots starting to show. To go with my bad hair day I also am having a bad outfit day. I'm very unsatisfied by how I look right now. Brown dress pants, brown collared shirt with snap buttons and thin, white horizontal stripes, light brown wool zip-up cardigan, brown leather dress shoes with no heel. I feel like its too casual and paired with my bad hair- I look like a huge slob today. And I put on make up but I think I did a half-ass job as I woke up later than I wanted. Plus, my horrible hair made me feel like I was going to look ugly today no matter what so I didn't really do a good job. I didn't even weigh myself because I was afraid of what it would say.

But its going to be okay. Because today is the first and its Monday! So this month will end at 125.

FEBRUARY GOALS

1. No more than 1,000 cals a day.
I have learned that I should start with attainable goals. If I set goals that are unrealistic, like last week when I tried to not go over 700 cals a day, I can't make it and I get upset and I give up and eat. So, a more attainable goal for this month is no more than 1,000 calories a day. I PROMISE!

2. If I mess up and have more than 1,000 cals a day I will not give up on my plan.
I will start over the next morning with a better attitude and more self-control! Although I will do my absolute very very best to not go over 1,000 calories a day.

3. I will make more of an effort to always be beautiful
Whether I go out that day or not, I will shower every day and do my make up and hair every day. I will pick outfits the night before so I always look nice. I saw two girls on the ride to work this morning who were so stunning. They both had spent time on themselves that morning. More than the half hour I spent on myself this morning and I thought, "Those girls really care about themselves. They look like they spent time getting ready today. They must have their shit together." And although I know I'm a wreck, if I make the effort to be beautiful then people will think the same thoughts about me.

4. On days that I do not have practice I must ride my bike to work
In order to keep burning calories and keep my metabolism working there will not be a day I do not exercise. I have been more than lazy in January and I will fix this in February! If I stay active I generally feel better about myself than if I don't do any exercise on a particular day. If practice is cancelled or I'll be late or something! I must jog around the block. And its stupid cold and I hate to run so hopefully this will be a big motivation.

5. I will be more clean
I clean and organized life does not have room for sloppy food messes. If my apartment is clean I will be less likely to want to make food and create a mess. If my room is clean I will be lesss likely to want to eat anything because I will want to be as clean on the inside as I am on the outside. Plus I can always clean instead of eat!

6. I will continue to date P___
Even though I like being alone. I don't feel compelled to be in a relationship. I don't care if people love me or whatever... But I feel less like wanting to deal with explaining that I have no emotions and am uncapable of love and breaking up than just going with the flow. My last date with P___ was not as thrilling as the first. He had a sore on his eye that he was really embarrassed about and I found myself being really shallow about his appearance. And I think he's cute. I just am looking for excuses. If he thinks I'm smart and pretty and wants to kiss me or whatever then that's fine. Maybe I'll come around eventually but for the time being, I am incapable of loving anyone. I don't care if we go out to another restaurant. I just won't eat and I'll make an excuse. But I won't ditch practice for dates anymore.

I'm sure I'll add to the list but that's a good start for now.